March 13, 2010
(ChattahBox)—Despite the premise of the 1980s animated film series, “All Dogs Go to Heaven,” many fundamental Christians believe that their pets have no souls. When the end of days finally arrives and Jesus returns to earth to gather up his saints, all of the believers’ beloved cats and dogs will be left behind to starve and face the apocalypse alone. So, what is a devoted pet owner and firm believer in the Rapture to do? Hire an official blasphemer and card-carrying atheist, who has been thoroughly vetted as a profane sinner with no chance of salvation according to Mark 3:29, of course! A company called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA has gathered a motley crew of about 100 reprobates in 22 states, who are also animal lovers, and will rescue pets abandoned after the Rapture for a small, non-refundable fee of $110.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is the brainchild of Bart Centre, 61, a retired resident of New Hampshire, who apparently became bored working part-time at the local Home Depot and decided to try something different. Why not make a buck off of the crazy Christian fundamentalists waiting for the Rapture to occur? Centre’s sales pitch, inscribed on t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers and the like says it all: “The next best thing to pet salvation in a post rapture world.”
“If you love your pets,” says Centre, “I can’t understand how you could not consider this.”
The Eternal Earth-Bound Pets Web site explains the simple premise of its post-rapture services:
“You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind. We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.”
Centre assures potential clients that he screens all pet rescuers to make sure they are indeed atheists and have no plans “to meet the Lord in the air” when the second coming arrives:
“We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.”
Once you pay your fee of $110, the rapture pet rescue contract is good for 10 years. If the rapture doesn’t come by that time, too bad. What if blasphemous loved ones are left behind and are able to care for the pets — Will they receive a refund? No. How long will it take for the atheist pet rescuers to arrive? Fluffy and Rocky will be rescued, as soon as possible, considering there will be widespread destruction and chaos:
“Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.”
Sounds like a great deal! When the Rapture finally arrives you can rise up to heaven to the sweet sound of Gabriel’s trumpet, with the peace of mind that your pets will be cared for after the apocalypse. And for those folks who care to plan ahead, after all, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ contract is only good for 10 years, the Web
“The higher the number, the faster we’re moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture.” A rapture index above 160 falls into the category of “fasten your seat belts.” The current end of times index is 170!! That means it’s time to contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.